People I knew in High School told me that I was going to do something unique and significant some day. That sentiment always made me feel weird and embarrassed. I hoped that I would work out a way to sustain those brief flashes of intensity before anyone noticed how rare they actually were. The truth is that I haven't lived up to my potential in ages. I still believe that I can reverse the situation through constant, gradual change in habits and outlook. I have tried the fatalistic all-or-nothing attachment of my self (esteem) to A Particular Way and it doesn't work. I just have to do, and work, and fail, and succeed all the time. All the while I will be greedily soaking up the knowledge and wisdom from the increasing pile of wreckage. After all, more mistakes mean more spare parts. [3]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In related news, I started two new projects this (holiday) weekend. (They are really only new in the sense that I actually started work on them rather than just talking about them for over a year.)
The first is a Photobioreactor. Ever since I heard about the abandoned Aquatic Species Program I have been curious about aquaculture as it pertains to algae and photosynthetic bacteria in the production of bio-diesel. It may not be possible to produce enough to fuel my car using the space that my apartment provides, but learning more about, and automating, the process now may benefit me in the future.
The second is a CNC (Computer Numerical Control) Mill/Router, made of LEGO and driven by printer stepper motors. Now, what the wiki article does not fully convey is that CNC machines and their cousins, Rapid Prototyping machines, are the fastest means to turn an idea into a real thing. With it, the thing that was in your mind can be in your hand in hours. I won't be able to cut sturdy materials with this first iteration. What I will be able to do is work out all the software and control issues before moving on to larger, more powerful machines. A home-built CNC machine is fairly common project. All the same, it opens all kinds of doors in what I will be able to manufacture. This will most definitely benefit me in the future.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[1] I am assuming that "irons in the fire" is a blacksmith metaphor. The phrase may refer to something else entirely.
[2] This happens when I deal with people too, especially people I don't know well. Whenever I think about talking to someone, I also think that I am an unwelcome disruption to the flow of their day. Furthermore, I wasn't invited, so how can the person possibly appreciate an irritating collection of bones and grease broadcasting noise at them? That's a really unhealthy way to view the way people see me.
[3] Look at me with my precious collection of mission statements and proclamations. I should get my M.B.A. and travel the country giving talks on Productivity and Cross Functional Synergy Effectiveness Return Management. I could make millions selling books full of empty Business Advice.
3 comments:
I do believe "irons in the fire" is a blacksmithing metaphor.
This is a good post. I think I've been in Low Intensity for a while, too, but even in periods of high intensity, I'm usually still sitting in front of a computer. :/
Nothing wrong with sitting. All I meant by intensity was "behaving as though you had a genuine interest in something" rather than calories burned. I waste so much time as if I never had any ideas or interests. I kind of drift in between externally imposed deadlines, not producing anything that wasn't forced out of me. How awful is that?
Those people in high school thought great things of you to come because it's that obvious. That feeling you have, it's called the Impostor Syndrome.
I can relate to the low intensity. Or, at least I remember what that felt like. I've been operating at full blast for so long, I forget what it is to be normal. That restlessness at low intensity is part of the human condition. It's also noted to be more apparent in those individuals who do end up being the movers and shakers of the world.
My problem has always ever been trying too hard. Even trying too hard to not try. You describe letting go, and how hard it is to keep trying, and I keep thinking, yeah, that's life. Don't ever give up.
I heard you. : )
Post a Comment